I was planning to write a longer post for this mega and then Silksong happened so… oops?
Short version is this week is my 9th tranniversary. I don’t remember which day exactly so I like to say it was 9/11 so I’d never forget. What ultimately cracked my egg all those years ago was not the deep yearning when looking at women that I couldn’t identify as envy or the increasingly intense and umm horny dreams where I had the power to instantly change my gender. No it was that fucking faceapp gender swap filter. I just kept staring at that pic like it was a mirror into an alternate universe where I was happier and suddenly everything clicked into place. The first few years were hit or miss with a lot of other life changes happening at the time that interfered with getting properly started so in some ways it’s more like a 5 or 6 year tranniversary but whatever. 
It’s weird to say I’m almost done but I really am so close to making all the changes I wanted. I’ll never stop being trans, but I’m definitely moving from trans(itioning) femme to trans(itioned) femme and that’s quite exciting. And maybe a little wistful looking back at the journey.
Have a good week everyone!
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transphobia, hopelessness, ugh
I don’t regret coming out, but I just wish I could put it on pause just for a day or two so I can breathe. I’m so sick of how people treat me, and I’m so sick of begging people to use my god damn name. I don’t even hate my deadname. I actually kind of like it as a name if I’m being honest. But the downright refusal to use the name I’m explicitly asking people to use just feels like a slap in the face every single time. I’ve told my dad several times now that I don’t want to talk about it anymore, and that he can just do what he wants because I’m done feeling like I have to justify myself to him. I asked him if he saw the possibility of a world in which what he was doing was wrong and he said “I am rarely ever 100% certain about anything, but I’m 100% certain you’re not a woman.” Like at this point trying to talk to him about it is not worth it. But he just keeps fucking bringing it up. Has sent me 5 page long letters written in google docs asking me to see things from his perspective. That he’s trying to do what’s right for me and that I shouldn’t be mad at him for it. The only reason I’m still talking to him at all is because I have $38 in my bank account right now. The financials are kinda shot right now. And sometimes he sends me money. I feel trapped. I just want to leave this god forsaken town in this god forsaken country. I’m so emotionally burnt out and I don’t know what to do.
spoiler
You are a woman
Having your identity and feelings dismissed by a man is super apropos though lol
Some of you, like the people who are pretty young and poor and just having the worst time of things, I just wanna scoop you all up and take you to my city and feed you soup for a couple days then get your lives started away from shitty family
spoiler
Something about opening up that spoiler and seeing that first line, in the context of the post you were replying to, really hit me in the feels.
I would absolutely love to live in a world where I could be scooped up and fed soup and taken care of for a few days. I absolutely love my sister with every part of me, but pretty much every single other person in my family I cannot stand anymore. Just because of how they think it’s acceptable to treat me.
spoiler
That’s so rough I’m sorry.
I think it’s okay to retreat a bit and regroup, if humoring your dad means a chance to get some money which might help you in the long run.
Stuffs tough.
spoiler
yeah… I think I’m only just now realizing how much it all has been affecting me. Yeah that’s the thought. That I’m keeping my dad around until hopefully I can get to the point where I don’t have to anymore. Or at least take a break from him. If he keeps acting the way he’s acting I don’t really see myself wanting it to just be a break.