Link to the recipe, it’s vegan 
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Crying tonight because I’m lonely and have no real friends and no one cares about me
why the fuck can other people make connections and friends and everything and i somehow can’t.
why am i so fucking broken and so many people just, aren’t? like have formed friendships. but not me. I can’t.
probably comes down to being fucking miserible and autistic and shit, why the fuck does it effect me like this. but other people not.
Making friends is a legitimate skill, sometimes it comes naturally to people but it was something I had to learn and practice. Like back in the mid 00s I read books about it lol (like How to Make Friends and Win People Over) and I had a… I dunno a mentor? For schmoozing when I was like 16 to 18. It was a weird time in my life and a weirder teacher student relationship - we were also very distant cousins lol.
A lot of people your age and life stage are also lonely, its not just you. I cant speak for certain but I bet a lot of the pain and agony you feel around it all is that you are closeted in so much of your life - but thats just on top of how isolating modern life is anyway.
Did you take your HRT? I forgot, I gotta go do that
I struggle with it everywhere, not just where I’m closeted. and unfortunately, because of how I look, I really dont feel like being out in the rest of my life would make me any less isolated or lonely. If I actually look like a woman that will help. Being out to everyone while looking like a man sounds horrible and humiliating. Yea modern life really is soul sucking for the best of us.
No I didn’t. Meant to earlier. I’ll go get it out now, thank you for the reminder.
I was out well before I passed and before I took HRT, I socially transitioned before even trying voice training, but I had supportive people and I had a take no shit attitude. You know your situation better, all I can say is my fears and anxieties about it were much much worse than my reality of socially transitioning.
I just feel like people won’t look at me right, everyone has some dogshit opinion. Even friends have refused to name me correctly. I don’t want to put up with it or be viewed like that. Maybe after our move. Still worries me a lot about how much harder getting a job is for trans women vs weird guy.
why the fuck do i have the flavor of transness that makes my life awful, the kind of autism that makes me withdraw and how tf am i supposed to be happy and have people
spoiler
want someone to respond but what can they even say
self harm
want to relapse. take things back into my control. I hate feeling like shit.
I hate this shitty life. What is there thats even redeemable here. Fuck my parents. Fuck humanity. Fuck whatever shitty ass genetics did this to me.
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I understand the urge, but relapsing isn’t taking back control, it’s giving it up. We love you comrade and you’ll get through this
I know it’s not the same as having friends supporting you in real life, but for whatever it’s worth coming from a semi-lurker poster on a niche leftist site, I care about your well-being and I’m sad that there’s not more I can do to help with your struggles. But I’ve been watching your updates throughout the year and I’m proud of you for how far you’ve come over the last year. I hope you can soon get to the point you get everything you need and deserve.
Thank you Nemmy, I really appreciate you. I hope so too. I have made a lot of progress in the last year, I forgot I wasn’t even employed a year ago.
I’m awful at making and maintaining friendships. My only friend I actually made and maintained was someone who decided to try to talk with me because he broke up with his friend on the school bus (not romanically) and I played pokemon games sometimes on the bus and he was really into pokemon. So he talked to me despite me having apparently harassed him at a school event several years before (something I have no memories of). The rest are like my brother’s friend or my friend’s friend or my mom’s friend’s kid.
I have tried to put more effort into maintaining those friendships recently and being more proactive in reaching out to them, but I’m not good at it. But I’ve had some positive experiences this year with doing such this year.
I don’t know if this helps, but I’ve heard the stories of people in much much worse conditions that have survived and taken back their lives. I think about what those children in Palestine and Sudan will have to face if they survive and I can’t give up on my life.