I was planning to write a longer post for this mega and then Silksong happened so… oops?
Short version is this week is my 9th tranniversary. I don’t remember which day exactly so I like to say it was 9/11 so I’d never forget. What ultimately cracked my egg all those years ago was not the deep yearning when looking at women that I couldn’t identify as envy or the increasingly intense and umm horny dreams where I had the power to instantly change my gender. No it was that fucking faceapp gender swap filter. I just kept staring at that pic like it was a mirror into an alternate universe where I was happier and suddenly everything clicked into place. The first few years were hit or miss with a lot of other life changes happening at the time that interfered with getting properly started so in some ways it’s more like a 5 or 6 year tranniversary but whatever. 
It’s weird to say I’m almost done but I really am so close to making all the changes I wanted. I’ll never stop being trans, but I’m definitely moving from trans(itioning) femme to trans(itioned) femme and that’s quite exciting. And maybe a little wistful looking back at the journey.
Have a good week everyone!
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sex work, ranting about life, maybe not thinking straight...
Is it weird/bad/inappropriate that im genuinely considering sex work? Like, its been 2 years and no job. My savings arent exactly getting bigger you know? I skip meals a lot (Ive had 3 meals in as many days (and one of those was a side salad) cause i cant justify spending money on food rn… My friends and family feed me sometimes, its pretty nice. Im also just fucking sick of rice and beans day in and day out) and am definitely in the survival mindset. And its like, i have money, but idk how much longer it will last. Like yes i can go buy a car for $5000, but i cant do that and eat and pay rent. Clocks ticking i guess is what im saying, and job hunting continues to be the worst thing ive ever done. And the prospect of having a 9-5 is both appealing (money!) and horrible.
Anyway, i looked into it a bit and tbh the actual hardest part of the job to my uneducated eyes is the whole social media thing. I hate social media, my private life is mine, other people dont get to be a part of that! But ive never operated a business social media account, so idk maybe its different.
And like, im a dyke but i could fuck men for money. Or even just $100/hr for dfk, cbj, being the trans gf who you never have to worry about bringing home to your parents, etc. isnt exactly a “oh fuck no” moment. Like, when guys have tried to pick me up, the shitty part hasnt been that theyre trying to pick me up, its been that they dont understand boundaries and try to pick me up when im busy doing other things or having time to myself. I mean, im not blind, if someone is trying to get me into a car with no plates after following me around i know better than to do that.
Idk, im probably off on some weird train of thought and id actually hate the work. But like, ive blown people i didnt like before and it wasnt upsetting, i can fake an orgasm, im decent at massage and as hookups have shown me i can act all sexy like and sexed up for someone even when im not into them. Most difficult part would tbh be making myself pretty in a heterosexual way, cause like i cant afford laser and all that shit (well, maybe i can now that i have health insurance (after two fucking years of no insurance and being terrified for it)).
Idk, chat am i off on a fucking weird train of thought? Am i delusional and grasping at straws as my money situation slowly deteriorates?
frank descriptions of violence
Theres a reason a lot of trans women do survival sex work.
I knew someone who did it for a couple summers not out of survival but cause she liked sex and wanted to get paid to have it. Her experience was mostly good. She was r*ped twice that she talked about, you can be sexually assaulted even by someone paying (for her she didnt want to be fisted but the john did so he did it and she couldnt do anything about it). There was that one article by a trans sex worker complaining none of her friends are progressive guys she knew would pay her for a blow job but insisted on the rigamarole of paying her for dinner and then fucking and then not calling. Her clientele was basically limited to uh the kind of person you think would be a john. But both made better money than they could have otherwise. At my work, there’s been a few poly trauma (as in mutliple body sustems poly not the other kind) assaulted women who do survival sex work but were paid in drugs, not even cash
They roll up sex work from this survival work where youre picking up people and actually fucking to stripping to posting on clips4sale to posting feet pics on only fans. Some lines are much safer but its all sex work.
Youre the only one that can judge if the risk is worth the benefit.
spoiler
Thanks for the frank descriptions. I know the risks (well, i think i do. You dont know what you dont know), and my calculus isnt a “i want to do this work” but more of a “wtf else am i supposed to do” calculus. Like, everywhere i apply is fucking not even responding. Job market is shit it seems.
And like, i know theresremoved, the sex workers ive known have all been pretty frank about it. And like, im trans, the people who would fuck me would be the ones who fetishize trans women, in a violent way. The cis women who have talked about it to me have been much more… Idk, just not as fucked and violent as the trans woman ive spoken to.
Yeah. From the smallest consent boundary crossed to the most violent shit. Tricks arent friends, at least, thats what ive understood from the people ive known whove done this.
Idk, im probably off on a “well shit is this what its gonna come to?” kinda thought/feeling, and trying to rationalize it ig? Idk. Its not been a serious thought until now. And like, I have family support in the sense of “i want you to eat so ill feed you” but not in the sense of “i want you to be housed so ill give you the guest bedroom”.
And yeah to your point the term sex work is so broad that like theres no way to speak about it all in one, or directly compare. Even in the context of like escorting, someone doing survival work has a very different calculus and material conditions to someone who has an 80k/yr normal job and can leave at any time.
Like, im not wanting to fuck men, but if thats the options available to me thats whats available to me. And idk, maybe theres other options that i havent seen. Someone suggested trying to work as a legal assistant, but like, im so fucking done i have no faith in any of it anymore. Like, the world fucking sucks. I show up to an interview (back when i got interviews) and sometimes you can just see in their face that youre not getting the job. The disgust and tension in their face of knowing “you have to be civil with the removed, get thru the interview, and deny her the job.”
Not weird at all! I’ve been struggling with the same feelings. I just don’t know what to do or how to get started. I want to make content but like a bunch of stuff about my life right now is a mess. Like I’m kind of a high level professional musician associated with really out there renowned avant garde jazz musicians. Uhh at risk of doxing myself, the oldest living working musician alive today is a friend of mine. He’s my teacher and he took me on as a student at 100 years old. It’s a spiritual thing more than anything. It means a lot to me but it doesn’t seem to add up to a whole lot to anyone else. UGH!!! I should be compensated fairly for being a genderbending demi-goddess from outer space in all my psychedelic glory!