I haven’t seen my therapist in a bit and feel like he would just talk about my “avoidance” but as I’ve gotten to know my partner more, I see amplified traits of my past self that made me a bad person and were ones I spent years trying to fix. A damning realization I’d say, especially when I talk to them about it and they double down on it being a part of who they are. But it really turns me off, especially because things were absolutely incredible early on and I swore I found my soulmate, but these characteristics are part of the reason I’ve been in therapy for nearly 4 years now (e.g. unnecessarily argumentative, anger problems triggered by trivial matters, general emotional volatility) and it‘s really tough to face.
Part of me feels like we found each other because our subconscious minds noticed a familiarity in one another, but I do wonder if this is a recipe for long-term compatibility. Tack on to all of this the fact that I am a bit slower processing information than them, and I don’t know what to do. I first have to broach it with them of course, but even simply addressing my concerns about the relationship often ends in anger/tears :/
i wish you the best op, all relationships are different.
all i can say is i was in the same situation and i hurt myself staying with a person that was acting in a way which reminded me of myself when i’m at my worst.
for me it wasn’t worth it and now, 2 years later, i regret i didn’t pull the brakes sooner.
but my personal experience differs from yours, so any advice is unwarranted.
what motivates me to do changes in my life is seriously sitting down and thinking “where do i see myself in 5 years? is the direction i am heading to sustainable?”
I think whether you see a self-resemblance or not, someone being unwilling to try to work on anger issues, even in a completely collaborative and non-moralizing way that accepts that it’s a slow process, because I guess lashing out at people is “a part of who they are” is a bit of a red flag beyond just being “a turnoff”.
If it makes you feel better, there’s no such thing as a soul mate and it’s a really unhealthy idea itself.
Though I’d say it’s more than a bit of a red flag, it’s a flashing red alarmGaaaaad it’s so hard :( I already broke up with them once and got back together but I think you’re probably right. I fear that I’m trying to fix something that I can’t fix
What you do is up to you, but you’re right that you (singular) cannot fix this, it can only be fixed by the both of you, which requires your partner not telling you that lashing out at you is merely a part of who they are. Like, it’s unreasonable to expect for them to fix it overnight, but if they can’t agree with you that something needs to be fixed, however long it takes, it’s seriously a non-starter.
There are two things here though, which basically both fall under diplomacy being important: 1) Because I only have your account, I don’t know how you’re discussing this issue with them, and there are things you should definitely avoid like using moralizing language over someone having a mental episode or something. 2) It could be helpful in being diplomatic to invite them to discuss what problems they might have with your behavior (that isn’t just you having any problem with their behavior) and try to evaluate it and the steps to take regarding it in the way you wish they would with theirs (not necessarily offering that last part as narration unless asked). That way they don’t feel like it’s just you telling them they’re a Bad Person and you can emphasize that this is all meant to be collaborative.
Edit: I had a partner who told me something similar, though mercifully I don’t remember it in that much detail. I think they really didn’t understand how fucked up what they were saying was, and it didn’t help that I was so miserably co-dependent that I didn’t really understand it either until after we were out of contact for good.
Pretty simple question from a birds eye view-- are you wanting to make a serious commitment to this person? And if so are they willing to do the same for you?
If the answer is yes, going to therapy can be the price of admission for taking it to the next level. If they’re unwilling to buy the ticket, they don’t get to take the ride.
If the answer is no, you or they are not looking for that deeper commitment, then it’s moot/a waste of time.
Of course the specifics are way hairier but those are the broader strokes imo. FWIW I’ve been married for 11 years and can count the number of times my partner has upset me deeply on one hand. They have never deeply hurt me or made me cry.
The challenge is that they are nominally on the same page as me, but can never seem to do the hard work when things get tough. And I struggle with this as well, but my boundaries are viewed as a “rejection” which makes things quite difficult
It’s just immaturity to be honest. Like, when your partner says this is important, I need you to do this thing, and you don’t do that thing because it’s hard? What is that?
Yeah also sounds like incompatibility to me
Who you choose to be with, in partnerships and friendships, influences who you are as a person. If you don’t want to go back to who you were, and if they refuse to take steps to improve themselves, then that points to incompatibility.
If they can’t talk with you without breaking down- that isn’t a you problem.
https://iceeft.com/what-is-hold-me-tight/
If you haven’t read it already, this book and couples therapy based around that EFT model is really good. Deep-rooted attachment styles require focused introspection and some kind of gentle way to unpack why we react the way we do. It described my avoidance and the patterns it drives really well.
As you said something on this level of self improvement and actualization can take years. You need to decide first and foremost if you’re willing to have the patience for that long to give your partner the space to truly improve instead of accidentally emotionally manipulating them into acting how you want them to.
Comrade, your first two sentences speak a lot.
How long have you been with your partner?
On and off for about a year now. I fell for them hard (ironically I suppose) primarily for their good politics, though I’m realizing that I might need more. We also move through life at very different speeds which I was mostly able to ignore until I realized this kind of compromise requires asking someone to change their entire self :/
