I haven’t seen my therapist in a bit and feel like he would just talk about my “avoidance” but as I’ve gotten to know my partner more, I see amplified traits of my past self that made me a bad person and were ones I spent years trying to fix. A damning realization I’d say, especially when I talk to them about it and they double down on it being a part of who they are. But it really turns me off, especially because things were absolutely incredible early on and I swore I found my soulmate, but these characteristics are part of the reason I’ve been in therapy for nearly 4 years now (e.g. unnecessarily argumentative, anger problems triggered by trivial matters, general emotional volatility) and it‘s really tough to face.
Part of me feels like we found each other because our subconscious minds noticed a familiarity in one another, but I do wonder if this is a recipe for long-term compatibility. Tack on to all of this the fact that I am a bit slower processing information than them, and I don’t know what to do. I first have to broach it with them of course, but even simply addressing my concerns about the relationship often ends in anger/tears :/
I think whether you see a self-resemblance or not, someone being unwilling to try to work on anger issues, even in a completely collaborative and non-moralizing way that accepts that it’s a slow process, because I guess lashing out at people is “a part of who they are” is a bit of a red flag beyond just being “a turnoff”.
If it makes you feel better, there’s no such thing as a soul mate and it’s a really unhealthy idea itself.
Gaaaaad it’s so hard :( I already broke up with them once and got back together but I think you’re probably right. I fear that I’m trying to fix something that I can’t fix
What you do is up to you, but you’re right that you (singular) cannot fix this, it can only be fixed by the both of you, which requires your partner not telling you that lashing out at you is merely a part of who they are. Like, it’s unreasonable to expect for them to fix it overnight, but if they can’t agree with you that something needs to be fixed, however long it takes, it’s seriously a non-starter.
There are two things here though, which basically both fall under diplomacy being important: 1) Because I only have your account, I don’t know how you’re discussing this issue with them, and there are things you should definitely avoid like using moralizing language over someone having a mental episode or something. 2) It could be helpful in being diplomatic to invite them to discuss what problems they might have with your behavior (that isn’t just you having any problem with their behavior) and try to evaluate it and the steps to take regarding it in the way you wish they would with theirs (not necessarily offering that last part as narration unless asked). That way they don’t feel like it’s just you telling them they’re a Bad Person and you can emphasize that this is all meant to be collaborative.
Edit: I had a partner who told me something similar, though mercifully I don’t remember it in that much detail. I think they really didn’t understand how fucked up what they were saying was, and it didn’t help that I was so miserably co-dependent that I didn’t really understand it either until after we were out of contact for good.