Made this one somewhat last minute, but here goes- my reccomendations for this week are a yuri “mystery” VN that’s near and dear to my heart (that goes into processing grief) though it’s been a while since I last played it, and a cute and sloppy (not bad sloppy) manga about crossdressing (and if you ask me is honestly at least kinda genderfuckery).
I figured I’d also add BonnieBugsy’s “Ranma Lazuli” fanfic series (available on Ao3) to make it a triple feature because why the hell not. The two fics I can recommend (not having completed the other large fic yet though I’m sure it would deserve equal recommendation) are pretty near and dear to me as well.
CONTENT WARNINGS
SeaBed: processing grief Handsome Girl and Crossdressing Boy: some chapters, particularly the extras, can be particularly suggestive/R18+ Ranma Lazuli: for the two fanfics specifically I’m discussing, “Skies of Blue, Red Roses Too” covers dysphoria and abusive family circumstances, with the premise of the titular Ranma escaping these and finding a place where she can be and grow into herself. “I of the Storm,” in contrast, deals with the abusive and unhealthy dynamics of that “place where nothing ever gets better” from the perspective of someone still living within it- Akane- who herself, also has to deal with her anger and the consequences of (being a victim, but also perpetrator of) abuse, apathy, and past mistakes, while moving past that environment herself.
Premise and things I liked about (SeaBed)
Sachiko and Takako were childhood friends and lovers, but unknown circumstances tore them apart. Now they have to piece together the puzzle, as Sachiko keeps hallucinating about Takako, and Takako deals with memory issues of her own.
Personally, Seabed can come across as a bit of a slog (but in a good way- and in a way appropriate to the themes of grief, of mental processing and memory issues, etc). And it can be very heavy. I played it during a time when I was dealing with grief among other things myself and I loved it- I intend to play it again someday (ideally soon), but needless to say it won’t be for everyone.
Premise and things I liked about (Handsome Girl and Crossdressing Boy)
Admittedly, this is just comfy, queer (IMO), somewhat suggestive (YMMV, if it were just up to me I’d not even consider it NSFW but it’s definitely toeing a line and considering cultural and even circumstantial differences of different online spaces- well yea) and sappy light-hearted romance. Iori is a crossdressing boy(? very eggy if you ask me), and Hazuki is a handsome girl. Needless to say gender is a fuck.
The extra chapters (generally noticeable as something like “chapter 23.5” instead of being an outright “chapter 23” for instance) can be even moreso questionably/maybe “NSFW/18+” (though if you ask me that’s all “western puritanism and backwardness/regressiveness” which they then infected many other parts of the world with)
Premise and things I liked about (BonnieBugsy's 'Ranma Lazuli' fanfic series)
The two “Ranma Lazuli” fics I can recommend (the others I either haven’t read yet or are very short) are both what I would describe as “coming of age/graduation(?)” plots, wherein Ranma moves from her abusive, overwhelming, demanding upbringing to the welcoming and progressive Beach City from Steven Universe (no knowledge of either series is necessary IMO to enjoy these fics, that said) and is finally able to develop within such a healthier environment, and Akane comes to terms with and breaks free of the fallout and that unhealthy environment in her own way, in her own separate life.
Both fics, I feel, correlate with my own defining experiences on many levels- whether it be Ranma’s growth and the liberating feeling of finding a positive, comfy space and escaping the small, shitty, abusive world she was raised in prior, or in Akane’s own growth and rejection of that same small world, as well as the permanence of one’s actions having come from and having been a part of what made that world so small and unhealthy to begin with, and growing past that and coming to terms with it.
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tired rambly worthless depression posting
I am so tired. I am tired of all of this. I’m tired of thinking about transition, and worrying about social things. About what I am and am not going to be able to do. How long, or if, I’ll get to a place I’m happy with. Doing all the little maintenance bullshit like shaving and taking care of my hair. I know it sounds small but its exhausting. Thinking about full time employment, and where that will be, how I’ll get there, and that I am going to end up being a very visible trans woman. Its constant. I am constantly thinking about all of it and I can’t stop it. I can’t be happy without these things. Why did this have to happen to me.
I can’t. I need a break. Or a do over. Or something.
what am I even doing this shit for. what is the “end game” I’m going to get. I just want to sink into my bed and not come back. I hate this.
spoiler
One thing I’ve noticed, reading your posts over time, is that things do seem to be getting slowly better for you. In the past, things seemed incredibly bleak and painful, but over time you’ve been taking concrete steps, dwelling less on thoughts of SH/SI, and really moving towards transition. I hope things keep progressing towards something better for you, and I believe in you to do so.
spoiler
I definitely am taking steps, like with working. Everything is still bleak and painful, I still think about SH/SI a lot. I’ve been trying to post about it less because it feels like everyone is sick of it.
Thank you :cat-trans: I hope so too
reminder (si talk)
you can always vent to me bout whatever, if you’re holding back cuz you don’t think people wanna listen I’m here. maybe i ain’t the best resource cuz we’re not going thru the exact same thing but i understand the need to say it out loud to someone who won’t get mad at you or tell you to stop feeling em… and i feel sometimes just getting IT out there instead of IT running circles in your noggin helps. helps me anyway, helped me last time, puttin the bad no no thoughts out in space. maybe someone closer to your circumstances would also be willing but until then you can lean on me, if you wanna
or we could talk about ham sandwiches lol
spoiler
For me, and I hope for you one day, the little maintenance bullshit is actually quite affirming of how I feel feminine. And the burden of being seen as a trans woman also means being seen as a woman, which helps and, at first for me, it’s not a lot of people but it gets to be more and more as you keep doing HRT and do work like voice training and make friends at places like work or school - and eventually it’s most people or even everyone you met that day.
Sounds like you’re feeling quite anxious about work and living independently. Which sounds pretty normal, just means you have a healthy respect for the changes you have to make. One of my little sisters was not apprehensive about moving out on her own nor was she properly ready for full independence (although she was 18) - she lost a ton of weight because she couldn’t afford her vices and food and rent and scrambled and hustled to make money, which included running ?drugs? She was never clear but a guy offered a lot of cash to move a package from one place to another. But you sound like you have a good amount of respect for what independence really means.
Anyway, it sounds like your level of anxiety and apprehension are beyond what is merely useful to prepare you. Try deep breathing, try some mantras (“Im worthy” or “Im smart” or “I can do this”), try some other little stuff. You got this eggnog, you have friends who know you’re trans. You are working somewhere right now. A big transition in nearly everyone’s life is between childhood dependence and becoming independent. You’re in very good company for people who’ve made that change. The nice part is that you will come out the other side and one day you’ll go home in your girl clothes with makeup on and the people there will say your chosen name, and you’ll feel it’s worth it not to have to hide and worry.
spoiler
So some of it definitely is, like my hair or shaving my legs… But like shaving my face very much isn’t. It’s also still a lot of spoons sometimes :catgirl-flop:
Being seen as a woman depends a lot on how you look and sound. Voice training is literally impossible 😭 idk how I’m going to do it.
I am anxious about it. All I ever remember hearing and being told is how expensive and unaffordable things are. How people can’t afford to live. And I don’t have any degree or anything even. I will try and I hope so 😢
spoiler
how much suffering until its finally fucking over