Where did things go wrong?
I’m not a woo type person but my mom was and she was into a thing called “karmic debt” or karma “whatever goes around comes around” stuff. At the time I didn’t really put into thought into it and I’ve always felt the need to put some distance between myself and my moms beliefs because they all stem from instagram so it just feels disingenuous and a way for people to market faith. But I won’t tell them not to practice whatever they want too and if it helps then I’m not one to judge.
Maybe it’s because I’m deep in thought and maintain a lot of guilt and because I’m so used to blaming myself that I’m at fault for my wife’s passing, my therapist and I have discussed this and I understand I have no control over what happens especially when it cane down to her health. Bodies get cancer, that’s the most of it. But the irrational part of me still tries to take responsibility even on some sort of ethereal level like karma where the way I’ve treated other people, even myself, has made my wife’s death materialize.
I’m already a piece of shit and I know this. I’m extremely envious that my nephew is a cancer survivor but he’s just a kid and I love him… but it comes back to that anger where I start to feel like my wife didn’t deserve to die and other people “just get lucky.” My nephew is also a reminder of the child me and my wife couldn’t have but always wanted, by the time we agreed it was too late and we decided to stop trying because we thought it unethical to raise a child without its mother. She also didn’t want to leave me with that pain. I’m alone now but I still see why we shouldn’t have had children. It was for the best.
I don’t know what I’ve done wrong, ideologically I’m fully aware of the world. I condemn Israel’s genocide, I condemn Russia’s invasion of Ukraine, I was very critical of Biden, we voted Kamala over trump, we used to go to protests together, we went to a few organizations and volunteered together… we did all these good things for the community but her life was still taken. I think maybe it lies deeper somewhere and I blame the way I’ve removed myself from everyone in my life when they didn’t deserve it. Like my family who aren’t on the same ideological framework as me I’ve pretty much avoided contact with them, so in a way I’m somewhat dead to them.
I’ll probably make a post about my resentment for my nephew sometime this week. My therapist said it’s good to post about my thoughts online and encouraged it because it’s all anonymous. Thanks for reading and sorry for rambling.
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Some time off and on to a hobby should help at least a little. The being mindful of your breath and surroundings followed by awareness of your thoughts without judgement bit helped me quite a bit in the past. If karmic debt were real then billionares would have suffered immensely either way but making sense of things did not help me when I had severe schizophrenia along with other bits that worsened (I am not implying you have it). This little being mindful awareness ritual has gone a long way when I was suffering severely with hallucinations, extreme paronia and other mental woes. Cutting stimulants might also help a little if it makes your intrusice thoughts worse. It is good that you are gettinf therapy
I am sorry for what you had to go through.I know it must be hard to internalize, especially when what you are looking for is a reason this thing happened, but we are, at least to some extent, victims of our circumstances and random chance. Blaming yourself, especially in such a nebulous way (unless you were actually a real terrible person in the past?) is only destructive and brings no positivity to your life.
And no, being envious of your nephew doesn’t make you an asshole, it’s all part of grieving. But it is ultimately destructive and negative, so learning to let go is a good idea. And I believe you will in time. Idk how long it’s been since your wife died, but what you’re going through seems pretty understandable considering the circumstances. Good on you for going to therapy, that is an important step, even if only to beat back the isolation one can put themselves in while grieving. Keep your head up. I don’t know you, but I don’t think even the woo woo gods would see fit to take your wife unless you intentionally killed someone - I mean, an eye for an eye, right? If you want to believe in karma woo woo, then believe that you’ve got to put positivity back into the world because you need it in your life. That would be a self fulfilling prophecy.
Hang in there, comrade. ❤️
