Y’know, when I signed up for this back in June I had grand plans for some grand writeup on the domestically produced unmagnified gunsights of Cuba. I had collected images and info and sources but I lost sight of it as life stuff happened and my time for the trans mega snuck up on me.
Que sera sera.
Anyways, today felt like the first whisper (you have no idea how hard I just thought about the ideal word for this metaphor) of autumn and that put me in the mood for one of my favorite autumnal albums. More Constant Than the Gods by SubRosa is a really lovely doom? sludge? metal album. I like how big it sounds. The lead vocalist is a really talented lady, and its got violins, also the lyrics talk about dying and stuff and I’m into that. Its very fall-y to me, as is Standard Time Volume 1 by Wynton Marsalis, but for extremely different reasons.
The funny thing is that, like the poster of the previous mega it is also my 5th transiversary, I started HRT half a decade ago today (ok technically it was the 17th but I’m gonna count it since thats when I started writing this). Now, I don’t think that taking HRT was what made me “officially trans”, rather it was the degree of self acceptance required to get to that point. It’s a long story, and one I prefer to share privately, but it took a very, very long time before my fear and desperation gave me the strength to allow myself to have this. I think it all turned out pretty well, I experience existence in much higher fidelity, I’m this whole person, along with everything that entails.
I feel very blessed to be transgender.
I hope you all stay safe and have a good, or atleast tolerable week.
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As a reminder, please do not discuss current struggle sessions in the mega. We want this to be a little oasis for all of us and the best way to do that is not to feed into existing conflict on the site.
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looking at old pictures
I was going through deleting all my old social media, I’d been meaning to for ages and never got around to it, and was going through all the old pictures just in case there were some (of not me) I would want to keep.
I knew from the offset this could be bad, especially since before I figured out I’m trans and while I was repressing I presented hypermasc, so was kind of prepared for the worst.
I was lucky in that I didn’t find any of them dysphoria inducing, looking at the really old ones my brain doesn’t register that it’s a picture of “me,” but I was really affected by one of the pictures.
It was just a regular ass selfie, it was a couple of years before I started on HRT the first time and I wasn’t out to anybody at the time or anything but it was around the time I started going clean-shaven and I had this gay ass little haircut, but my brain recognized it as me and saw it as a woman.
idk maybe it’s silly but this was the first time seeing any sort of pre-transition picture of myself and it connecting with my brain, let alone seeing a pre-transition picture of me and my brain going “yup that right there is a woman.” so anyway now I’m crying, but like good haha
If I see a picture with of myself with facial hair I feel bad, if I see a clean shaven one I just see a girltwink or a butch depending on my age/weight.