Y’know, when I signed up for this back in June I had grand plans for some grand writeup on the domestically produced unmagnified gunsights of Cuba. I had collected images and info and sources but I lost sight of it as life stuff happened and my time for the trans mega snuck up on me.

Que sera sera.

Anyways, today felt like the first whisper (you have no idea how hard I just thought about the ideal word for this metaphor) of autumn and that put me in the mood for one of my favorite autumnal albums. More Constant Than the Gods by SubRosa is a really lovely doom? sludge? metal album. I like how big it sounds. The lead vocalist is a really talented lady, and its got violins, also the lyrics talk about dying and stuff and I’m into that. Its very fall-y to me, as is Standard Time Volume 1 by Wynton Marsalis, but for extremely different reasons.

The funny thing is that, like the poster of the previous mega it is also my 5th transiversary, I started HRT half a decade ago today (ok technically it was the 17th but I’m gonna count it since thats when I started writing this). Now, I don’t think that taking HRT was what made me “officially trans”, rather it was the degree of self acceptance required to get to that point. It’s a long story, and one I prefer to share privately, but it took a very, very long time before my fear and desperation gave me the strength to allow myself to have this. I think it all turned out pretty well, I experience existence in much higher fidelity, I’m this whole person, along with everything that entails.

I feel very blessed to be transgender.

I hope you all stay safe and have a good, or atleast tolerable week.

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  • foxglove (she/her)@lazysoci.alEnglish
    9·
    2 months ago

    Just had PIV surgery like 9 weeks ago. For context, I have transitioned later in life, so I’ve spent decades living as a man. (🤢)

    spoiler

    Not sure why we are hiding, but will hide the details, too.

    When I woke up from surgery, there was definitely a sense that everything was the same down there, the same-y-ness was strong for me. I have heard there is quite a lot of variation in how people experience things, so I wanted to say upfront that my experience is not necessarily relevant nor can it be safely generalized.

    I still get bottom dysphoria post-op, mostly from my outer labia feeling too much like having a scrotum sometimes, and the way that the clit sometimes feels a bit like a penis still - not physically to my hands, but like if I’m laying on bed and I twist my body a little bit, I can feel what is almost like having a phallus (sorta feels like the phallus is just stapled into me or something, if I closed my eyes I wouldn’t be surprised if I still had an external penis).

    Over time, this old way of experiencing seems to be slowly going away and I’m developing a new way of relating to my genitals - but I would still describe my experience overall as remarkably “samey”.

    That said, what I see in the mirror is much better, and the way sex functions is much better - not having a scrotum is extremely helpful for me and has reduced dysphoria significantly, and not having an external phallus has also immediately reduced dysphoria I didn’t even realize I was experiencing - like shame from lying on my back. Walking feels more natural and can be euphoric even, and the overall situation is much improved even with the occasional sense of same-ness.

    I just assume a lot of this is habituated ways of thinking and perceiving my genitals, and new habits will form. I’m not sure this is actually “phantom limb” sensation, I am skeptical I experience that.