I am very active in my local queer poly and kink communities and honestly consent is easy if you follow three clear guidelines, at least in my opinion and in my experience.
The first is affirmative and informed consent, obtained before any actual activity. Do not say “these are the things I do not want”. Say “these are the things I do want, and anything outside of those things is off limits.” This is especially important in kink; you just cannot have an exhaustive list of every possible things people might think is okay to do, and if you’re restrained or can’t communicate during a scene for whatever reason and something happens to you that you didn’t think of, if you only provided a list of “don’t do these things” and that thing isn’t on that list, how was the other person supposed to know? So a clear list of “this is yes” before any sexual activity is critically important to having informed consent. “Here are the things I want you to do and here are the things I want to do.” You do the overlap of those two areas only.
The second is enthusiastic consent “a yes must be enthusiastic.” Things like “maybe that’s okay” or “I’m not sure about that” aren’t enough to constitute consent. It must be “I definitely want you to do that thing to me.” Anything less is not consent. This can include stuff you haven’t tried yet, like “I trust you and I am excited to try a thing with you” is totally enthusiastic consent. But it must be enthusiastic. If you ask “how do you feel about X” and your partner is like “I dunno I guess that’s okay” that is not enough consent. This also helps ensure consent isn’t accidentally coerced somehow or exploited via some existing power dynamic.
The third is that consent can be revoked by any participant at any time. A yes before does not mean it’s always a yes during. Maybe you normally like something but today aren’t feeling it. That’s fine, and “hey actually not feeling enthusiastic about that right now” is great communication and should absolutely be respected on all sides. It’s okay to say no at literally any time.
I know in kink spaces there are lots of different communication and consent models but I think they all broadly boil down to these guidelines and I think they absolutely apply outside of kink spaces to any sexual activity at all. Or even non sexual activity, this is just how consent should work.
Anyways consent is always a great topic and it’s something that everyone should take extremely seriously in all cases because it’s just critically important.
Perfectly said! I agree that it makes sense outside of sexual activity. For example when making decisions as an affinity group at a protest or something: one person suddenly doesn’t feel the proposed activity? Okay we’re not doing it then. Maybe they think it’s to risky, whatever, no need to explain anything, we retreat and regroup.
Also I just realized that by this model I’m clearly being coerced to go to work at my job, as are most people, but then again, we knew that already. Same thing for schools, again totally makes sense.
One of the things with group consent is that there’s sometimes a distinction between “I don’t want that so the group has to stop” and “I don’t want that so I will temporarily exit the group.” This is also something that’s important to communicate about. “If you stray from this we all stop” vs “If you stray from this I will stop.” Basically just a conversation about boundaries and what the consequences of those boundaries may be. It’s actually funny you mention protests because well organized protests often have these conversations. “If someone crosses this boundary we all stop” or “We are doing these things if you don’t want to then leave.”
That’s a skill I learned via polyamory rather than kink but it applies to all consent conversations too I think.
Yes, totally. I guess in a situation where it would be unsafe for one person to go back alone, everyone has to stop. That’s why it makes sense to have small (2-5 people) affinity groups within a larger action group. So the action can still continue.
I am very active in my local queer poly and kink communities and honestly consent is easy if you follow three clear guidelines, at least in my opinion and in my experience.
The first is affirmative and informed consent, obtained before any actual activity. Do not say “these are the things I do not want”. Say “these are the things I do want, and anything outside of those things is off limits.” This is especially important in kink; you just cannot have an exhaustive list of every possible things people might think is okay to do, and if you’re restrained or can’t communicate during a scene for whatever reason and something happens to you that you didn’t think of, if you only provided a list of “don’t do these things” and that thing isn’t on that list, how was the other person supposed to know? So a clear list of “this is yes” before any sexual activity is critically important to having informed consent. “Here are the things I want you to do and here are the things I want to do.” You do the overlap of those two areas only.
The second is enthusiastic consent “a yes must be enthusiastic.” Things like “maybe that’s okay” or “I’m not sure about that” aren’t enough to constitute consent. It must be “I definitely want you to do that thing to me.” Anything less is not consent. This can include stuff you haven’t tried yet, like “I trust you and I am excited to try a thing with you” is totally enthusiastic consent. But it must be enthusiastic. If you ask “how do you feel about X” and your partner is like “I dunno I guess that’s okay” that is not enough consent. This also helps ensure consent isn’t accidentally coerced somehow or exploited via some existing power dynamic.
The third is that consent can be revoked by any participant at any time. A yes before does not mean it’s always a yes during. Maybe you normally like something but today aren’t feeling it. That’s fine, and “hey actually not feeling enthusiastic about that right now” is great communication and should absolutely be respected on all sides. It’s okay to say no at literally any time.
I know in kink spaces there are lots of different communication and consent models but I think they all broadly boil down to these guidelines and I think they absolutely apply outside of kink spaces to any sexual activity at all. Or even non sexual activity, this is just how consent should work.
Anyways consent is always a great topic and it’s something that everyone should take extremely seriously in all cases because it’s just critically important.
power dynamics
(Great comment besides the joke)
Power Dynamics is just a new term for Power Switches
Perfectly said! I agree that it makes sense outside of sexual activity. For example when making decisions as an affinity group at a protest or something: one person suddenly doesn’t feel the proposed activity? Okay we’re not doing it then. Maybe they think it’s to risky, whatever, no need to explain anything, we retreat and regroup.
Also I just realized that by this model I’m clearly being coerced to go to work at my job, as are most people, but then again, we knew that already. Same thing for schools, again totally makes sense.
One of the things with group consent is that there’s sometimes a distinction between “I don’t want that so the group has to stop” and “I don’t want that so I will temporarily exit the group.” This is also something that’s important to communicate about. “If you stray from this we all stop” vs “If you stray from this I will stop.” Basically just a conversation about boundaries and what the consequences of those boundaries may be. It’s actually funny you mention protests because well organized protests often have these conversations. “If someone crosses this boundary we all stop” or “We are doing these things if you don’t want to then leave.”
That’s a skill I learned via polyamory rather than kink but it applies to all consent conversations too I think.
So basically yeah. Communication!
Yes, totally. I guess in a situation where it would be unsafe for one person to go back alone, everyone has to stop. That’s why it makes sense to have small (2-5 people) affinity groups within a larger action group. So the action can still continue.
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