Go to whatever service/exchange is easiest for you to buy a common crypto that has low fees (either Litecoin or Doge) and use https://changenow.io/ to swap to monero and send to your own wallet.

Use Guiwallet on desktop or for mobile you can use either cake wallet or monerujo wallet to hodl your monero.

Just transfer $20 into monero every couple of months and use it to buy time on mullvad as you need

There is a community for monero !monero@monero.town

The only crypto worthy of the name

Check the exchanges sections of monerica and kycnotme

https://monerica.com/
https://kycnot.me/

Private? I’m pretty sure any of the existing means are private in the sense that I, a random stranger, will not know about that transaction.

Do you mean anonymous? Pseudonymous? Hidden from your government or the government where MullVad is established?

I’m not trying to be pedantic here but rather to genuinely understand so that I can try to answer.