Made this one somewhat last minute, but here goes- my reccomendations for this week are a yuri “mystery” VN that’s near and dear to my heart (that goes into processing grief) though it’s been a while since I last played it, and a cute and sloppy (not bad sloppy) manga about crossdressing (and if you ask me is honestly at least kinda genderfuckery).
I figured I’d also add BonnieBugsy’s “Ranma Lazuli” fanfic series (available on Ao3) to make it a triple feature because why the hell not. The two fics I can recommend (not having completed the other large fic yet though I’m sure it would deserve equal recommendation) are pretty near and dear to me as well.
CONTENT WARNINGS
SeaBed: processing grief Handsome Girl and Crossdressing Boy: some chapters, particularly the extras, can be particularly suggestive/R18+ Ranma Lazuli: for the two fanfics specifically I’m discussing, “Skies of Blue, Red Roses Too” covers dysphoria and abusive family circumstances, with the premise of the titular Ranma escaping these and finding a place where she can be and grow into herself. “I of the Storm,” in contrast, deals with the abusive and unhealthy dynamics of that “place where nothing ever gets better” from the perspective of someone still living within it- Akane- who herself, also has to deal with her anger and the consequences of (being a victim, but also perpetrator of) abuse, apathy, and past mistakes, while moving past that environment herself.
Premise and things I liked about (SeaBed)
Sachiko and Takako were childhood friends and lovers, but unknown circumstances tore them apart. Now they have to piece together the puzzle, as Sachiko keeps hallucinating about Takako, and Takako deals with memory issues of her own.
Personally, Seabed can come across as a bit of a slog (but in a good way- and in a way appropriate to the themes of grief, of mental processing and memory issues, etc). And it can be very heavy. I played it during a time when I was dealing with grief among other things myself and I loved it- I intend to play it again someday (ideally soon), but needless to say it won’t be for everyone.
Premise and things I liked about (Handsome Girl and Crossdressing Boy)
Admittedly, this is just comfy, queer (IMO), somewhat suggestive (YMMV, if it were just up to me I’d not even consider it NSFW but it’s definitely toeing a line and considering cultural and even circumstantial differences of different online spaces- well yea) and sappy light-hearted romance. Iori is a crossdressing boy(? very eggy if you ask me), and Hazuki is a handsome girl. Needless to say gender is a fuck.
The extra chapters (generally noticeable as something like “chapter 23.5” instead of being an outright “chapter 23” for instance) can be even moreso questionably/maybe “NSFW/18+” (though if you ask me that’s all “western puritanism and backwardness/regressiveness” which they then infected many other parts of the world with)
Premise and things I liked about (BonnieBugsy's 'Ranma Lazuli' fanfic series)
The two “Ranma Lazuli” fics I can recommend (the others I either haven’t read yet or are very short) are both what I would describe as “coming of age/graduation(?)” plots, wherein Ranma moves from her abusive, overwhelming, demanding upbringing to the welcoming and progressive Beach City from Steven Universe (no knowledge of either series is necessary IMO to enjoy these fics, that said) and is finally able to develop within such a healthier environment, and Akane comes to terms with and breaks free of the fallout and that unhealthy environment in her own way, in her own separate life.
Both fics, I feel, correlate with my own defining experiences on many levels- whether it be Ranma’s growth and the liberating feeling of finding a positive, comfy space and escaping the small, shitty, abusive world she was raised in prior, or in Akane’s own growth and rejection of that same small world, as well as the permanence of one’s actions having come from and having been a part of what made that world so small and unhealthy to begin with, and growing past that and coming to terms with it.
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cw talking about trauma, loneliness, self-isolation
i kinda need to get this off my chest.
i feel like the social world is behind a pane of glass. something happened to me when i was young or maybe when i was older that gave me this insurmountable mountain of crap i have to carry around everywhere, and it makes social interactions not just difficult because i have trouble reading cues but in a lot of ways entirely impossible without a trusted person there to help keep me steady because as soon as the vibes get even a bit off, i am 100% flight response.
ive been in therapy for a number of months now, and i think i’ve made some progress, but its also just so frustrating knowing that any time i feel insecure for any reason, my life will basically have to stop while i have compassion for and “give space to” all the damaged and traumatized parts of myself and to do all the other shit i’ve been taught. i’ve lost hours of sleep to being up in the middle of the night trying to do this, i’ve called in sick over it. my partners have to put up with hours of my whining and crying about the slightest thing and all the anxiety i face when i feel like i’ve done something wrong.
part of me wonders what the point of even trying is, really. why do i bother trying to put myself out there, to make friends, to have relationships at all, if one awkward moment can make me turtle up for days/weeks/months? i remove myself from spaces because it hurts to see how easy it is for other people. i can watch but i can’t put myself out there because its so much effort to even try that the moment is gone by the time i finally can and also i just don’t want people to have to put up with someone so damaged because i don’t have much to give back, really, since i dont have a lot of capacity.
edit: thinking on this more, i think that i’ve long seen myself as a student of human relationships from the outside. i used to be fascinated by neural networks when i was young, hoping i could code myself a friend. jesus, that’s bleak. almost as bleak as what passes for “AI” these days
i think the impression i give off is cold and aloof these days to people that don’t know me. if you tried to start a conversation with me and i didn’t respond or engage, i’m sorry, its not you, its the monkey on my back.
i’ve met a few people on this site who were so welcoming and so immediately kind and good to me and i just want you to know that i appreciate all of you, i hope you know who you are and if you don’t maybe someday soon i’ll name names.
i feel like someone cut me in half at some point, and the two halves of me mutated into one anxious/clingy part and one flighty/resentful part, and you think they’d cancel each other out but instead they just fight and fight and its so exhausting that i just want to bury myself in some kind of distraction or maybe just give up entirely on having relationships of any kind with people.
i hate to admit how much of a relief it can be to just cut and run when i feel overwhelmed or i’m hurting (i should say that nearly all the time the hurt is from my trauma, not people being mean to me. in fact i have a problem in the opposite direction where i seek approval from/enjoy being treated poorly by people, but maybe that’s a post for another day), but the only explanation that makes sense is that just existing socially is overwhelming to me.
i dream of a time or maybe a place or maybe an internal state where i feel like there’s not an ocean between me and other people. where we can make silly jokes and talk about things we like. where i don’t feel like i need people more than they need me; where there’s a balance of give and take. and i want to feel like i know what to say or what to do when someone is struggling, to somehow lessen their pain, and to feel like they’re lessening mine, too.
i want to believe in people again, and i wish i had the energy to try.
A lot of what you wrote sounded very familiar, and I was trying to put together some advice that I would want to give to myself when I was starting with my current therapist, but as I kept reading it sounds like you’ve picked up the changes in perspective and understanding I was going to recommend. So I don’t have anything directly helpful to add, but it sounds like the work you’re doing is getting somewhere. I’ve felt similarly frustrated to what you described, but looking back I’m happy with the progress I’ve made. That’s just what it feels like a lot of the time, that is what it takes.