Even without being trans, life is not worth living. Everyone has always told me life would be hard, they’re right. Its too hard and not worth it. There’s nothing redeeming. Its just suffering. I don’t want to suffer another 30 or 40 fucking years.

i don’t know why I can’t work up the nerve to just do it. i have a method. I’ve wanted it for years. Why the fuck can’t I just do it and get it over with. I guess I keep hoping life will turn around for me, but it won’t. I think being trans really seals it for me. I don’t think people understand that. People don’t seem to understand why killing myself is preferable to this. I don’t understand whats so hard to understand. Clearly something about it just hits different for me. The alienation from others, my ruined body, idk. Nothing i say makes anyone understand. How is this a life worth having. Its misery and pain. Its endless. All i can think about right now is shooting myself.

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Whatever, if I’m going to make another stupid post like this I should at least make an attempt to explain what exactly is so horrible about being trans. Even without being trans I still have no real interest in sticking it out but it is one of the main tangible things I can point to.

Complete alienation from everyone else. No one understands or sympathizes. Most people support forcing us to suffer like this. How fucking horrible is it to live in a society that wants to mutilate you. Who’s people want to refuse you healthcare. People understand the damage, they understand it perfectly fucking well when its trans men on T. People everywhere will look at me like a removed freak, since I don’t pass. Even other queer people don’t understand. I’m going to lose my family. Good luck getting a job as a removed with no education or qualifications.

My body is destroyed. Destroyed by T, destroyed by depression. I have always hated my voice. I can hardly speak sometimes. It hurts every time I talk. I don’t make any other noise. I don’t sing, I don’t hum, I don’t do anything but speak when I need to. Voice training is a special circle of hell and I can’t. Between that and my fucking ridiculous height I will never pass. I will always be a freak. I will never be happy with my genitals. Facial hair is awful. I truly lost the plot when ts came in. “oh just shave, lots of women shave, whatever” you don’t understand. No one does. I truly don’t understand how no one gets it. How no one can get that this is hell.

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honestly even without the trans shit I’d still want to die. there’s nothing here worth doing this for. its the nail in coffin. its always going to be there, its always going to cause me pain. so much pain. i want it to stop and there’s only one way how

self harm

While I’m venting again may as well say this: I really want to cut myself. I remember what it feels like and I want that again.