I just feel like: if my life isn’t where I wanted it to be by this point, why should I be courteous to others. There’s no reciprocity from them anyways. All I do is live this rut of go work, home and sleep. I know nobody nearby who I can relate to. It drives me crazy how I haven’t met any of these milestones for career, family, or friends. I’m just by myself, screaming explitives into a digital void.
I just don’t like anybody because of that. I don’t like my coworkers and their simple Maga brains, I don’t like my rural locality and it’s dependency on service work for the elderly. I don’t like any of the workers in those services because of how cowed they are and how short they sell themselves. Part of me thinks they deserve their misery for putting up with it all the time. I don’t like the conservative culture of my area and how it limits who I can relate to on a personal level. All this just makes me not like people in general and I feel myself becoming more embittered these days. And even if was more amenable like I used to be, experience has told me that people still wouldn’t want to bother with me anyways. Idk, these days I have such a jaded view of everyone around me.
You are answering every question with ‘no’ or ‘but’, and you’re clearly starting with those words before you’ve even thought about people’s answers properly. Either you can try your hardest to do something about it, or stay miserable forever.
You get one life. Sometimes you have to take the hard road. I live in a tiny flat with two 50 year old men, one evangelical and one drunk, because I moved to a new place and had to just take something - anything - to get me started. One day I’ll move into a better spot, but even now, I’m happier than I ever could be in my home town.
I would prefer the latter. There is security in the familiar, as soul crushing as it is.
So your options are A. the crushing of thy soul or B. the scary and unfamiliar.
Maybe there’s a compromise.
Is there anyone you like in this world? Anyone you feel understands you? Go visit them. Experience what it’s like to have an actual support system even if it’s just for a weekend.
I’ve been in a similar situation as you. I ended up moving back to my home town purely for the friends that still lived there and honestly it was one of the best decisions of my life. Had to live through the covid crisis at my moms house but at this point I’m so glad I decided to move back over struggling to keep my head above water completely isolated from the people I care about.
I don’t know anyone. I don’t really have any friends that have support systems either. And compared to them, I live in a somewhat less sexist, less homophobic society.
Idk, at this point I just feel empty knowing so much of what I believe in was foolish to hope for to begin with. I feel nothing thinking about these other people. Their lives are so similar and meaningless to me, like some sort of blur. And the worst part is that every day, I have to see the end of that process, where people are reduced to the most base form of consumer. Where you spend the last years of your life just eating and being moved around and kept alive to be an input for a whole hierarchy of health care administrators to leech off your pension.