In my dreams, you lay your sorrow on the table, and the air between us is soft and we have time.
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Mask up, love one another, and stay alive for one more week.
Wish someone cared that I had a bad time, that I felt left out. I’m gonna die a third wheel. Being around people is triggering, hearing about people who have transitioned is triggering, I’m ready to run into the woods. Fuck all of this.
Am I figuring out neurotypicals
I’m supposed to be honest but also not overshare how fucked up I am even though that is honesty, I’m supposed to want people not to care if I’m any gender when I want people to affirm my feminine side, and I’m supposed to get people to help me without realizing that they’re helping me otherwise they’ll say “not on your life, squirt.” Or I’m supposed to ask endless questions like I’m filling out a form, I guess, to get to know them
not good, folks
If it had been up to me, the right people wouldn’t have left in the first place and I wouldn’t have had to sit and figure out what the hell is wrong with me. I don’t know if others are supposed to care. Maybe I just get therapy and transition and never tell anyone. But Hot Fuck it would be nice to have some sort of standard, or baseline, or average for what to shoot for, to start, for now.
It would be nice to have someone actively engaging with my problems because that’s always what I’ve done for others. Checking in to see if they’re making progress. Asking how they are. Maybe that’s codependent and fucked up and gross and betrays boundaries. But it’s what I want. Is it bad that I want some of the attention in my life to be unprompted? Am I a sinful beast for wanting the energy I have given to reciprocate in some recognizable form? Maybe I am awful for wanting that.
fuck
Like literally I might have to get worse to get better. I just don’t see a path forward. I’m too old and too lacking. Do I really have to work this hard to find my people? Nobody else has to work this hard to get someone to have a conversation with them.
I don’t want to die but like there’s no life so it makes you think
Kill Me
I can only really deduce that something is wrong with me because nobody will validate my concerns and that it’s a reflection of me in some way. I am doing something to make people feel horrible when they talk to me or read my posts and they correctly decide that I suck
Doesn’t matter that I’m nonbinary or autistic, people think I suck for some other secret reason being kept from me I guess by everyone. Like I don’t know what I’m supposed to be making of situations where nothing I do is actually enough to get attention.
I’ll be honest, I thought someone would at least pity me. I’d accept pity under the right circumstances. I wanted mutual emotional support, but clearly nobody is ever going to want to talk to me about emotions or processing thoughts or anything like that and it was a lost cause from the beginning.
I see people every day who just connect and talk about things and have no anxiety and I want to be like that so much and I resent that everyone else learned and nobody taught me. They all know what I don’t and they won’t tell me. And I’m supposed to be strong. God forbid I find myself feet-up at the bottom of a creek in the mountains. I get less support because I’m suffering.
Like, I’ll start speaking up, and I guarantee that it’ll be a problem, and I won’t give a shit because no one ever bothered to even try to help me work through this. I don’t know how to justify taking blame for behavior that I perceive to be someone else’s fault. Seems like the person who made me upset shouldn’t have done that.
Maybe help the person you know is struggling, the person you know is going through something you went through, or something you can help with. “No, I’m gonna wait for him to have the idea himself to put down the razor. He’ll talk himself out of it, I mean, he talked himself into it, could work” 🤔
I’m genuinely confused as to why people don’t notice and why people don’t say more. Here and irl. It doesn’t matter, obviously you decided not to care.