This month is proving even more difficult than usual. Two recent foot surgeries, now infected, the endless struggle to get even a bit of medical treatment, the non stop tingling and pins and needles, starting to go bald, the car breaking down and needing repairs, the neurologist stopping the only migraine meds that work for me because “they aren’t working well enough,” and the endless struggle to get assistance. Several people came through after all my reposts, eventually we managed to get enough to fix and fill the car but that used up almost all the money on that, and it’s so difficult to get replies to mutual aid posts now, thanks to the most recent reply, I can get by with food for maybe a week now but after that I’ll have to keep reposting and if no-one responds I’ll be screwed. Apparently someone was accused of being a scam artist on mutual aid and now people are less likely to donate for fear they are being scammed?

All avenues of help are closing. My local council cut the Household Support Fund (a small amount given out to the poor twice a year) right down, it started off as £150 twice a year, then they cut it down to £100 once a year, and then they decided they were only giving it to old age pensioners. So that support is gone. I was due to receive a £300 grant from the cancer charity macmillan in November, but they decided not to give grants any more, so that lifeline is gone. There is nothing else I am eligible for, the food bank takes up to two weeks to access and gives a tiny amount of food, mostly drinks like tea, coffee and milk, which all runs out long before the next food bank appointment, how am I meant to get by on that? Mutual aid is the final lifeline, and I am immensely grateful for all the help I’ve received here but it’s getting more difficult to get responses there too, and with prices going up drastically (by about two fifths these past few months) money just doesn’t go as far. Is it just a bad time of the month, far from payday, or will I have to keep reposting every week or few days from now on? I even made my mutual aid post as helpful as possible, multiple food voucher links with various different payment methods, amazon gift card link (can get dried/tinned food off there) and even paypal (as my need for food aid right now is bigger than my worries about the DWP checking my accounts). Don’t know what I can do to make it easier. That’s why I’m up so late tonight, i thought if I waited long enough and kept checking my emails I might get a gift card and could go to sleep in peace but it’s 1.30am now and I’ll have to go to bed worrying.

On top of this, the fact that I’ve been almost housebound for so long is really wrecking my mood even more. I need to get out and walk around in the fresh air but due to all my foot surgeries, foot infections, and the repeated injuries in my left side thanks to the weakness caused by my stroke, I can’t wear closed shoes or walk for more than a few minutes right now. Like hobble into a shop, pick up a few items and out. I want to hike. I live right by the southwest coast path, a 630 mile hiking route that goes around the entire south west coast of England. I’ve got a free bus pass from the council (as I’m partially sighted) and a ferry pass from before all my walking problems started, that still has about 8 free journeys left on it. If I wasn’t almost crippled I could use these things to go out on day hikes and then get the bus home, get the ferry to other towns and hike all around, which is what I used to do before all these problems began. It’s not much to ask, wanting to walk around outside but the universe won’t even grant me that. I feel like whatever controls this world is taunting me, placing me right by a brilliant hiking area and then crippling me so i can’t use it.

And everything costs money, constantly. It’s hard enough getting the necessities of life, never mind anything for pleasure. I’m a huge Outlander fan and the new Outlander spin-off series is starting on amazon next month. Will I be able to watch it? No of course not because you have to pay for that! Why does life have to suck so damn much all the bloody time? Maybe I was evil in a past life and this is my karma.