New Mega

I’m quitting my job, and on the one hand, I cannot wait to never have to work in a bar again. I was way overworked, literally running an entire bar by myself, and people are so unbelievably rude. I get treated like a vending machine in there, where the worst kind of alcoholics just come in and shout the name of the beer they want while I’m clearly busy. Also the sexual harassment.

On the other hand, I dread the job search. Begging asshole petit bourgeoisie to exploit me is a humiliation ritual.

Some of y’all here encouraged me to produce more music. I bought a hulusi and taught myself some basics and recorded it, sampled it and turned the whole thing into a meditative loop. I really mean it when i say the small amount of encouragement i get here has been crucial over these past few horrible months and without it I wouldn’t be pushing myself towards music again.

Here is the song i made today if you care to listen

I am so depressed right now. My achilles has flared up again, I’m having trouble walking. This is just neverending. I’m basically back to being a prisoner, trapped indoors. How is this any different to a life sentence. I have even emailed multiple MPs about this (about my situation and how shockwave therapy should be available to patients, as needed on the NHS) but no-one cares. I emailed Keir Starmer and got an automated message that I won’t get a response from him he only deals with his own constituents. I emailed the secretary for health and got the same message. I of course emailed my own MP but he almost never responds to any messages and when he does, it takes months. What is the point of this shitty life.

agh i hate christmas. people get mad at me for not going to things, people get mad at me for going to things and then not eating (have food trauma, can’t eat infront of people, also just autism food issues), can’t win

idk how exactly I feel about it but so many of my family’s favorite stories of me are just me being very clearly autistic. Eating the same lunch for years on end, stories of me being overstimulated, etc. No they do not think I’m autistic.

So, obviously a big thing with autism is not understanding social stuff, at least best I understand it allistics have a more intuitive understanding of social situations/dynamics. Now a lot of the time this isn’t a huge issue for me personally, I guess with time I’ve learned from situations around me/masked/maybe I am just unaware. Or maybe I have just mostly stayed in safe situations I’ve done before. Yea there’s painful mistakes but overall I think they’re usually realistically minor. Anyway.

Where this has been a huge issue/worry for me for a while now is being trans and talking about that and navigating that with cis people irl. I’ve had pretty limited to trans people irl, especially before realizing I’m trans so I haven’t seen these dynamics play out. I haven’t seen a newly out trans person talking to cis people about things so I have no frame of reference for how to act, or like what the social boundaries are or what’s appropriate etc.

Now that I think of it never having intimate (not that intimate) conversations about feelings and things modeled for me as a child probably also did not help. But its all very stressful for me after the fact, worrying about what they might be thinking about me. Obviously a lot of it is really personal for me, I really care about women’s reactions/feelings/views towards me is, and idk. I just don’t know what’s okay. What’s uncomfortable. How to talk about any of it, its all new to me and I just don’t trust my intuition for what’s okay. (like yes obviously I can pick out things that obviously wouldn’t be but that’s not my struggle). Its all new social stuff for me. I don’t have scripts for what’s okay to talk about or do or get support with as a trans woman from cis women. I’ve opened up to quite a few people now and idk. That is not a dynamic I am used to or have seen or feels comfortable at all to me. I keep worrying long after my conversations.

Semi related but I feel like I often feel closer to people then they feel to me if that makes sense and is another thing I worry about in relation to this or any other kind of deep conversation topic.

I hope this makes sense I’ve been trying to figure out how to put it into words for a few days now and been typing for an embarrassing amount of time and am now exhausted. Also sorry I don’t engage with these threads much, I do read them but I feel my issues are quite different then most of yours and don’t know what to say. But I do care about you all.

Rant 1 I hate cigarettes, second hand smoking really messes up with my medicine, I use a KN95 face mask and it’s not enough, the effects are extremely noticeable. Doesn’t help that 80% of smokers are dirtbags and 20% will smoke a pack on a dying kid with asthma. I took a walk with a boy back in college and he smoked an entire pack infront of me, was too shy to say anything, was sick for a few days after.

Rant 2 are people who’s job is to talk you instead of an establishment trained to justify my fears of them? every single time from school until management they always give me bad guides on what to do, they get impatient from me asking questions and following their orders literally then they start raising their voices and then I cry, then I cry about crying. I’m grown adult why am I crying from talking to management the same way I did in middleschool?

Hope you’re all having a better xmas than me. My mood is so low right now, and I’m really frustrated being stuck indoors with mobility issues and injuries again. I’ve realised this is never going to end. My landlady had gone to visit her daughter for xmas for a week, she left the heating set to come on for a couple of hours morning and evening. I’m absolutely freezing but scared to turn the heating on longer as she’ll be angry if she comes home to a big bill. Why is the UK like this? It’s considered acceptable for people to just freeze in their own homes as heating bills are unaffordable. From what I’ve heard in other countries it’s normal and affordable for people to have the heating on whenever they need it. No wonder our houses are black with mould.

Nooooo i had to leave the doggo behind to go homw after christmas. It is now woefully handless. His owner has already said he’s pacing around looking for me nooooo

deleted by creator

I feel bad for deleting the post I made while panicking yesterday, considering all the effort people put into replying (thank you @BilduEnjoyer@hexbear.net , @i_drink_bleach@hexbear.net , @Nocturnelle@hexbear.net , @ratboy@hexbear.net , @Snort_Owl@hexbear.net , @Salah@hexbear.net and @RedSturgeon@hexbear.net )

I got a bit overwhelmed and deleted it but I read and took into account all your advice. Thank you.

I found a new food processor, I got it used for like next to nothing. I’m gonna make hummus I’m so happy.