I haven’t posted in here before but today I just needed a place to speak my peace and I hope that is alright.

I am 37 years old. I was a Chef for 15 years. My family was poor and when my father stole the savings we had for college I attended Job Corp to get my culinary degree. Seeing that they have now been defunded kind of made me think about where I am and how I was so grateful for that opportunity even if my body has fallen apart.

I have Porphyria, COPD, Heart Failure, Antiphospholipid Syndrome, Lupus, and Pulmonary Arterial Hypertension. Many of these conditions were unknown to me until my state finally expanded medicaid. Since then I have undergone alot of testing and seem to be collecting new diagnoses like Pokemon.

I had filed for Disability 2 years ago and have many conditions that should qualify me according to their own website. Instead NC has given me the run around for years, denied me twice, i filed again and have now been waiting a year with almost no contact from them despite constant calls and messaging and emails.

Last July I became homeless due to my savings running out and being unable to work. I used the last of my money on a car so that I wouldn’t be living on the street. I have been driving for Lyft to stay alive and afford my food, gas, and medicines. Constant doctor visits and hospitalizations have made it impossible to keep up with even those lately and my car is now falling apart as well. No AC with the Carolina summer coming up, a failing transmission, and god knows what else that is keeping me from passing inspection now and unable to renew my registration because of it. Even if I could afford it.

The system is literally killing me and Trump and the Republicans have made it somehow even more unforgiving. This month I even lost my food stamps as NC told me I didn’t work enough to qualify.

As i type this I sit here feeling what I think is the beginning of blood clots forming again in my lung and leg and I don’t know if I even want to go to the hospital again because I am not seeing a point.

I only keep going for my Partner, my Mother, and my little brother but I really don’t feel anything for me anymore. I am so tired and don’t see the end of this tunnel like I used to. All i see is the end of the month approaching while i am hospitalized and unable to work enough to pay for the impossible bills that have accrued from Disability constantly delaying my approval.

I see me, on the street because my car is unable to be registered, unable to work to afford my medicines, and still dying here either way.

Sorry for the downer comment but I needed somewhere to vent and I am sure many of you have seen similar struggles and I don’t want to feel so alone.