If it makes you feel better, think of the cancer as his brain cells doing a mutiny

To update one of my favorite Onion articles:

NEW YORK—Saying that nobody deserves to endure such an atrocious fate, doctors at Mount Sinai Medical Center announced at a press conference Tuesday that they had diagnosed cancer with stage IV Milo Yiannopoulos.

Surgical oncologist Dr. Andrew Bergman confirmed that Milo Yiannopoulos, one of the most dreaded and abhorrent diseases known to mankind, had metastasized, spreading throughout the malignant neoplasm and causing excruciating pain in the cancerous tissue.

“Realistically, cancer has little hope for survival with Milo Yiannopoulos this bad,” said Bergman, predicting that cancer will suffer severe agony brought on by the vociferous affliction that cuts off anyone in its path. “Based upon my professional experience, I’d say Milo Yiannopoulos is just about the worst thing you could have to deal with.”

“I wouldn’t wish Milo Yiannopoulos on my worst enemy,” Bergman solemnly continued.